The Santa Clause

Of course Tim Allen plays a toymaker in a movie in which he is forced to become the new Santa. What other job could he have? Allen plays a toy creator named Scott Clavin, and this is one of the funniest of his performances. He has as much biting sarcasm as you would want from him, at a time when he was a king of comedy. His show Home Improvement was still on the air (and there are a few Home Improvement Easter Eggs spread throughout the movie), Toy Story was released the previous year, and the first sequel three years after that. He was the lead in the Star Trek spoof Galaxy Quest. Unfortunately, as soon as the new century came, he struggled a bit more, and perhaps not many things have demonstrated this better than the two less-than-successful sequels, none of which I have seen and likely never will.

In The Santa Clause, Scott is a divorced man who is going to spend Christmas Eve with his son, Charlie (Eric Lloyd). Scott frequently bickers with his ex-wife, Laura (Wendy Crewson), even if Charlie overhears it. (Like Mrs. Doubtfire the year before it, this movie handles divorced parents and their children mostly well.) Scott is also antagonistic towards his ex-wife's new partner, Neil (Judge Reinhold) and especially his job. "He's not a doctor," he angrily complains, "he's a psychiatrist." It's fair to say that he doesn't communicate with Charlie as well as Neil does, either, and perhaps he's jealous. Scott is not entirely prepared for Charlie's visit, as he burns the turkey so crispy, not even the Griswalds would eat it. Scott does the best he can, taking Charlie out to eat an Denny's ("an American institution"). He checks the other boxes (sort of) that are required -- he reads to Charlie The Night Before Christmas, tucks him in, and heads to bed, not before he has to answer a few more probing questions from his inquisitive son about the archaic language used in the famous story.

From here, things turn upside down for Scott and Charlie. Charlie hears a loud clatter (just as in the story) on their roof and is convinced it's Santa. Scott is more concerned that it's a burglar, and he rushes outside in only his jacket, boots, and underwear to find a man dressed as Santa on his roof. "Hey, you!"is all he can yell out before the mysterious figure slips and falls off his roof. It appears that Scott Calvin has killed Santa Claus. Charlie is not impressed. Cheer up, Charlie; there are actual reindeer on your roof.

If you can believe that Santa exists, falls off a guy's roof, disappears into thin air, and gives his job to some schmuck who caused him to fall, you can surely buy into the idea that said schmuck will put on the suit and do his best to dutifully be the substitute Santa just to get his son to stop whining. So he puts on the suit, and the reindeer and toy bag basically do most of the work for him. He squeezes down the chimneys and either has to escape security alarms and angry dogs or curious young children wondering why Santa is so thin and grouchy. Still, he does it. "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" he shouts, before adding, "When I wake up, I'm getting a CAT scan!"

But the reindeer don't take him home. Where do they take him? To the North Pole, of course, where a cantankerous head elf named Bernard, played by David Krumholtz, explains to him how the rest of his life will be devoted to being Santa Claus, because of the Santa Clause, the part of the contract that basically says if you kill the existing Santa, you yourself take over. Scott protests, but as the year goes on, he has no choice. Charlie tells all his friends and family about how his dad is Santa, and Scott starts to slowly (and then rather quickly) transform into the big, jolly man, with his hair turning white and his weight rising. At first he starts to look like Chuck Norris, and then he very much starts to resemble Santa Claus. Charlie believes every last detail, but it's easy to see how every other adult would be disturbed at what they're seeing from a father and his son. (It could even be a horror film.)

This was a Disney film that wasn't afraid to use adult language occasionally In one moment, Scott audibly complains that he's "freezing his nuts off" outside trying to deal with the dead Santa situation. In another scene, Scott says to Laura that Neil's number where they can be reached is 1-800-SPANK-ME. The problem, though, was that parents started complaining that their children would call the number and be directed to messages promoting "hot, wild fun" for $2.50-$4.99 a minute. The scene is not included on home video release or when it plays on the Disney Channel.

If there's one universal truth to being an American child, it's that it is a bit disillusioning when one realizes that there is no Santa. Many of the adult characters in The Santa Clause share their own personal anecdotes of when they realized that Santa wasn't real. For Neil, it was when he didn't receive his Oscar Mayer Wiener Whistle. (For me, it was when Santa didn't complete the crossword puzzle I made for him when I was about nine, or nineteen--I can't remember.) At any rate, The Santa Clause has aged surprisingly well (except for the part when Scott, as he's almost full-Santa, catcalls a woman walking down the street.) That awkward, awful moment aside, this movie, a movie in which there actually is a Santa Claus, is a delightful film. I think I liked it as much, or perhaps even more, watching it as an adult.

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All the Star Wars Movies Ranked

You probably have seen all or most of the major theatrically released Star Wars movies, but with an animated film, made-for-TV productions, who knows how many stand-alone films, and an infamous holiday special, there are many more out there than just the eight episodes. Some are good, some are bad, and some are uglier than Jabba himself. Below is my official ranking of all of the Star Wars films released so far:

14. The Star Wars Holiday Special
You have not lived until you've seen The Star Wars Holiday Special. I almost simply want to leave it at that. Why was there a desire to turn the hit 1977 blockbuster into a Christmas special one year later on TV? Money, I guess. Money, and the fact that people often like movies that are so bad, they're good. This "holiday special" opens with Han and Chewie being chased by a Star Destroyer, some mumbo-jumbo about a Christmas-like holiday called Life Day, and then a bizarre introduction of the cast. The regulars are all there--how they were convinced to do a TV holiday special, we'll never know--but we also have Bea Arthur, Art Carney, and Harvey Korman. And an animated portion. And it's a musical. And Carrie Fisher was high. And George Lucas has supposedly said that if he could destroy ever boot-legged copy, he would. Watch this mess of a movie, and then watch Harrison Ford's reaction to it.

13. Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure
Released a year after Return of the Jedi, which (love it or hate it) featured lots of furry little teddy bear-like Ewoks who stage guerrilla warfare to help take down the Empire, Lucasfilm's TV movie Caravan of Courage took the Ewoks from cute to ugly and annoying. Instead of wanting to cook and eat the humans of Return of the Jedi, the Ewoks (including Wicket, played by Warwick Davis) find two young kids abandoned in the forests of Endor and take them in, even learning a bit of English along the way. (It takes place before Return of the Jedi, so why don't the Ewoks want to eat the humans?)

"We...help...you," one of them says. The little girl is sick, but of course the Ewoks have all-natural herbal miracles to save the day--hurrah! Star Wars isn't exactly known for its Olivier-esque acting and Shakespearean dialogue, but it's quite embarrassing here. We get a lot of Ewoks talking to each other and Burl Ives (of all people) doing his best to narrate our way to some sort of meaning. Despite what should have been a hefty budget, the production features cheesy-looking puppetry and animatronics. It's all tremendously boring as well, with a lame villain (the Gorax monster) and dull, flat action sequences.

Why was this movie made?

If you couldn't stand some of the prequels, just watch this, and it will make any scene involving Gungas feel like Citizen Kane.

12. Ewoks: The Battle for Endor
The sequel to Caravan of Courage, this one is an improvement, but only slightly. In it, the adorable Aubree Miller returns as Cindel, whose father, mother, and brother are immediately killed by marauders during an attack on the Ewok village. She and Wicket (Warwick Davis) escape and meet a grouchy hermit named Noa, played by Walter Brimley.

One of the improvements is that the villains, while being essentially something out of Power Rangers, are for more enjoyable than any Gorax monster, and the Ewoks, as annoying as they were in the previous made-for-TV movie, are reduced to just Wicket. Brimley is surprisingly enjoyable to watch as well; he provides an ounce of humor and humanity in a movie that for the most part lacks it. This movie is still by no means good, with visual effects looking more like something out of The Giant Claw than something out of Star Wars, and this movie feels more like Willow or Labyrinth, which, depending on whom you ask, is a good or bad quality.

11. The Clone Wars
The animated film from 2008 that spawned the equally difficult-to-watch animated show, this is one of the most pointless films in the entire franchise. With lame animation and boring sequences, this is an entry that should undoubtedly be skipped. The powerful voice of Christopher Lee could not save this movie from clunky action and cringe-worthy stereotypes that make Jar Jar Binks seem politically correct.

10. Attack of the Clones
I remember initially being excited in 2002 at how much (I thought) this movie was an improvement over the previous episode, The Phantom Menace. I've since watched it again (and again) and saw just how wrong I was. Truth be told, there's not much of a difference between Episode I and Episode II. There's less Jar Jar Binks here, so that's a good start. And Christopher Lee adds a great deal of respectability here as the villain. We see Samuel L. Jackson fight with his BAMF purple lightsaber, and there's an epic climactic battle that's part Gladiator, part Braveheart. And who can forget that MTV Best Fight-winning duel between Yoda and Count Dooku? I haven't even mentioned Ewan McGregor's hair.

Still, this movie is bad, plain and simple. Lucas' dialogue for a very horny Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) is among his worst. The chemistry between Christensen and Natalie Portman is forced and awkward. (Portman is an Oscar-winning actress and among the best there is, and even she couldn't effectively deliver the dreadful dialogue in a believable way.) There are far fewer sets here; instead there's the ubiquitous green screen. Attack of the Clones is probably the worst of the major live-action Star Wars releases.

9. The Phantom Menace 
Episode I, the most anticipated film of the 20th century, was also one of cinema's great disappointments. Much ink has already been spilled about what did not work with this movie: Jake Lloyd's performance as a young Anakin Skywalker, Jar Jar Binks, and a whole host of issues. Fans over the years have tried to "fix" the mistakes in this movie, with the first being cleverly called "The Phantom Edit," but even those are bad.

That being said, this movie is at least better than Attack of the Clones, regardless of what most people say. Why? For one, there's the climactic duel between the Sith lord Darth Maul (Ray Park) and the two Jedi, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and Qui-Gon Jin (Liam Neeson), set the tune of John Williams' perfect "Duel of Fates" theme. Yoda is still a puppet (until he was changed in later Blu-Ray editions for some reason to CGI). There are sets, too, and you'd be surprised at how much that matters.

Fans morphed into bullies when they treated Lloyd, then a young boy, as if he had utterly ruined their lives. The Daily Beast's article on Jake Lloyd's fall is one of the most depressing articles on Hollywood and fame I have ever read.

8. Spark of Rebellion
The 2014 44-minute animated television movie was the start of the animated series called Rebels. With its opening line ("The Jedi knights are all but destroyed..."), it starts with the pessimism of Revenge of the Sith but quickly shifts to the adventurous and optimistic feeling of A New Hope. And who says that opening line? None other than Darth Vader, and the audience is lucky enough to be able to hear James Earl Jones' voice again in his most famous role. He warns a nefarious-looking individual identified as the Inquisitor about the "children of the Force," and that if they do not join the Empire, they are to be destroyed. It's not the best cameo ever, but it is nevertheless fantastic to hear his voice again.

Speaking of voices, from here, much of the villains are predictably voiced by Brits, lecturing subjects of the "Em-piyah" and ordering them about. With animation, this goofy dialogue and exaggerated physical movement is more tolerable than in the live-action films. We meet a young boy named Ezra (voiced by Taylor Gray) who is sort of a hybrid of Luke and Han, an orphan strong with the Force but also an arrogant "street rat" and unfortunately one of the most annoying, bland characters in the series.

The characteristics are enough to remind audiences that the franchise often likes to recycle, as is also the case here with speed race chases, TIE Fighter fights, and goofy dialogue about light speed. Spark of Rebellion has its humorous moments, but at times is just as implausible as any other Star Wars movie, with a villain who cheats death way too often, Stormtroopers who can't shoot straight, and heroes who are way too lucky. Still, the animation is impressive, and it's nice to see other elements of the Expanded Universe. Starting a series that would also feature voice performances from Freddie Prinze, Jr., Jason Isaacs, David Oyelowo, and Star Wars alumni Frank Oz, Billy Dee Williams, and Anthony Daniels, it's a recommendable and fun short film.

7. Revenge of the Sith
In my original review of The Force Awakens, I wrote that Revenge of the Sith was the superior of the two. I was wrong. Revenge of the Sith, the darkest of the films, was a step in the right direction after two missteps, utilizing a necessary bleakness to a set of stories that often are overly happy. This also features the best acting of the prequel trilogy. Hayden Christensen is not exactly Marlon Brando, but he improved enough in time. Portman also gives her best performance of the three movies, even if her dialogue is atrocious. Ian McDiarmid as Palpatine gives a tremendous (if not over-the-top) performance, seducing young Anakin to the Dark Side. Jackson gives a good send-off, and McGregor is fantastic as always.

But especially compared to The Force Awakens, Revenge of the Sith often is a CGI mess, covered with awful humor that falls flat. Many times it's boring, much more boring than the following films. The villains (aside from Palpatine) are also disappointing. Christopher Lee's Count Dooku is killed off early in the film. General Grieveous is probably the dullest of all the bad guys. And instead of seeing Darth Vader as we know him for much of the movie, he doesn't appear until the end in one of cinema's most disappointing cameos.

Still, this is one of the most powerful and disturbing of the franchise. The scenes of Anakin and the clones' betrayal of the Jedi is masterfully captured by Lucas and crew. Anakin's murder of younglings is especially heartbreaking, as it is reminiscent of the Sandy Hook massacre.

Dark, yes, but this was surely the best of the prequel trilogy.

6. The Force Awakens
Yes, there are legitimate complaints against this film: it has numerous plot holes, it is filled with nostalgia problems, and it is almost painfully unoriginal. I think I actually enjoyed watching the three trailers more than this much-anticipated film. The characters are awesome, but here too there are problems: It's nice that there is a tough-as-nails female protagonist, but J.J. Abrams et al made her too flawless--she not only is as good a pilot as Han Solo, but can also defeat a Jedi trained not only by Luke Skywalker but also Snoke.

But The Force Awakens also reignited in me my childhood fascination with this franchise and made me want to revisit all the novels, video games, and comic books of my youth. John Williams' score, particularly Rey's theme, is his best in years. There is also a bit of thought behind it: the depressing reality of getting up right after the events of Return of the Jedi to fight a permanent war, or that Kylo Ren represents the bigotry prevalent still in many Millennials for example. Smart stuff, actually.

The Force Awakens was given a pass by many critics and fans who were thrilled that it wasn't a repeat of some of the prequel movies. But ultimately, it was still a very enjoyable film.

5. Rogue One

Rogue One is the Star Wars movie that could. The first in the series' anthology stories, this was the tale nobody cared about, and yet was much better than the highly hyped Force Awakens. The special effects are spectacular, the tension is real, and this is practically the only Star Wars movie that recognizes that the second word in the franchise's title has important weight to it. There's true delight in not only seeing familiar faces from the original trilogy (like Vader and, somewhat controversially, Grand Moff Tarkin), but also the prequel trilogy (like Jimmy Smitts as Bail Organa). Its most notable flaw, however, is the lack of character development. While Ben Mendelsohn as the villainous Director Krennic hits just about every note right, and Alan Tudyk as K2SO provides plentiful comic relief, there is not much depth to many of the other characters. Perhaps there didn't need to be, as this was only a standalone film with no planned sequel.

4. The Last Jedi
Screw the fans! This is the best one Lucasfilm has made in a long time. This movie, as many have said, doesn't care about your Snoke theory, or your brilliant ideas about who Rey's parents are. It does its own thing. There is respect for what has come before it, but there's also a sense of urgency in trying to avoid letting the series become stale. Rian Johnson, who will direct a new Star Wars trilogy that will likely feature entirely new characters, has been taking a beating for writing and directing what apparently is one of the most controversial in the series. Why? I still don't quite know. Maybe, as some have speculated, it's because people (by people I mean racist, sexist people) are opposed to how these newer films are more diverse. Maybe it's because people have thought Johnson deviated too much from the established canon and precedents. Maybe it's because they really hate porgs. I don't know.

Like The Force Awakens before it, there are problems: Some things are tied up too quickly, there's too much dues ex machina, and some segments drag on too long and are too unnecessary. Nothing is perfect. But Luke Skywalker has come full circle and is now the Obi-Wan character, and Mark Hamill is great to watch. Carrie Fisher gives a fantastic final performance. Rey, Finn, Poe, BB-8, and Kylo Ren are terrific, Kylo in particular. Here's how Alison Willmore at Buzzfeed describes the character: "Vader was an epic villain. Kylo was a kid who started idolizing his infamous grandfather because his parents were too busy to pay him enough attention, and even as a man he holds onto to Vader's burnt-out helmet like a teenage outcast hoarding Axis memorabilia left behind by the generation no one talks about at family reunions." Like The Force Awakens, there often is a lot of intelligent symbolism here.

So I will repeat: this is the best Star Wars movie in a long time.

3. Return of the Jedi
What can I say? I like Ewoks (at least the ones that appear here and not on television). Like The Empire Strikes Back before it, while it has a boring second act, this entry, the final in the original trilogy, introduces us to iconic characters (e.g. Jabba the Hutt, Emperor Palpatine) while adding depth to the characters we've fallen in love with. In Darth Vader, audiences witness the final stage in a six-part story arc that offered the best example of a tragic hero's rise and downfall (and redemption). Ian McDiarmid's Palpatine is (as with Revenge of the Sith) occasionally over the top but also terrifying. And Denis Lawson finally gets to use his own voice as Wedge Antilles, one of fans' favorite minor characters. (Lawson is also the uncle of Ewan McGregor, who played the younger Obi-Wan Kenobi.)

This is about as good a conclusion to a trilogy as there has been, though my only advice is to do yourself a favor and find a copy of the original 1983 ending, not the nauseating changed edition from the late 90s.

2. The Empire Strikes Back
This is the film that famously elevated the franchise away from simply a hugely entertaining blockbuster and into some serious stuff. Whether it's the introduction of Yoda, the powerful brass of John Williams' "Imperial March" theme, or that immortal twist, this film is a classic. It's not, however, as perfect as everyone says it is. Of the original three, it arguably moves at the slowest pace, and in a post-Harvey Weinstein, #MeToo world, watching Han basically sexually assault Leia and then Lando's creepy advances toward her are really awful to watch. And Leia kisses her Luke...only for us to find out in Return of the Jedi that they're siblings.

If you can get past all that, you'll love The Empire Strikes Back. There's an exciting battle in snow in the first act, a daring chase through an asteroid field, Boba Fett (everyone's favorite secondary character), possibly the best lightsaber duel, and iconic lines throughout. I don't blame people for saying this is the one they like the most, I just don't agree with them. For I think the best Star Wars movie is...

1. Star Wars (aka A New Hope)
I don't care what anyone says; nothing beats the original. A New Hope is better than The Empire Strikes Back. This one has far more wonder and magic than any after it. It's true that the dialogue is at its most wooden, with whiny lines about power converters and fast ships. But there's just something there that the others don't have.

This is a motion picture unlike any before or since. Its mixture of mythology, science fiction, groundbreaking special effects, history, politics, that awesome musical score, and old-fashioned fun must have felt like a breath of fresh air in the cynical late 70s. That opening scrawl, C-3PO and R2D2 lost in the desert, the introduction of the Jedi and the Force, Vader and that iconic voice by James Earl Jones (and thank goodness not the original), Han and Chewbacca, Peter Cushing as Tarkin, Alec Guinness as Obi-Wan Kenobi, and all those unforgettable lines (like "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope").

George Lucas nearly got himself killed making his passion project. After a more mature science fiction flick called THX-1138 and a successful nostalgia picture called American Graffiti, he could have played it safe and direct films more similar to those of his mentor, Francis Ford Coppola or his buddies Martin Scorsese and Brian De Palma, both of whom didn't understand the movie when he screened it for them. (But who did? Steven Spielberg, who predicted it would be the most successful movie of all time.) Exhausted, Lucas fired his editors when the space battles weren't fast enough. He took chance after chance about a story that featured basically a dog that walks on two legs and wizards with laser swords.

And the final product has so much energy that it is not surprising in the slightest that the franchise has lasted forty years. Should it last for forty more? Probably not. Star Wars is not SNL, it's not Marvel. But for the time being, Lucasfilm can keep 'em coming. 

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Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Star Wars: The Last Jedi, the eighth part of the nine episodes in the series, is as operatic as this fantastic franchise has ever been. In the hands of a new writer and director, Rian Johnson, this is a film that enjoys embracing the formulas that have made these films so endearing for so long while also taking risks unlike any of its predecessors did. It is possibly one of the reasons why fans reportedly have been more turned off by this film than critics, even though the reverse is usually true for blockbusters. Despite this, listen to the critics. They're definitely right this time.

Why are they right? The movie looks fantastic, the actors are having fun, the dialogue ain't perfect but there is no crying about how coarse sand is. There are a variety of surprises throughout -- most good, some not. This is a franchise that has been around for forty years. It's about time they start spicing things up.

The Last Jedi starts immediately after the events of The Force Awakens, in which the First Order (the remnants of the Galactic Empire defeated in the original trilogy) took a few mighty strikes against the Resistance, a militarized offshoot of the Republic, which practically was destroyed in the last film. While the Resistance and the First Order engage in a fierce battle among the stars, Rey (Daisy Ridley) seeks out the assistance of Jedi legend Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), who has forced himself into exile on a remote island far away from anyone. Even after having the stakes explained to him, Luke is not interested in the slightest. His guilt over training Ben Solo (Adam Driver), his nephew who turned to the Dark Side and became Kylo Ren, has led him to believe that the Jedi must end. Luke may no longer be a whiny teenager bellowing about power converters, but now he's an cagey old man complaining about youth culture.

Rey will not give up in her pleading with him to help. Meanwhile, the First Order is chasing down the final ships of the Resistance, picking them off one by one. The sibling rivalry between General Hux (Domhnall Gleeson) and Ren continues, and they have a tough father figure in the form of the Supreme Leader, Snoke, to please. Snoke is played in yet another motion-capture performance by Andy Serkis, whose voice is menacing. Hux and his fleet hunt down the Resistance while Kylo Ren searches for Rey and Skywalker.

These actors and the characters they play are as enjoyable to watch as they've ever been. Some have become more interesting, even if that also means they've become more problematic. Poe Dameron (Oscar Issac), for example, the hotshot pilot for the Resistance is more three dimensional here than he was last time around, probably because in the last film's script he initially was meant to die, which is why he just sort of disappeared for the second act. Here, he's charming and adventurous, but also stupid. It's hard to like him while he does a lot of mansplaining to his superior, Admiral Holdo, played magnificently by Laura Dern. Only several years ago, a studio would have set up this dynamic to get the audience to sympathize with the male; now, it's impossible to do that, and for good reason. Holdo is a calm, reasonable, and brave presence on the ship as the First Order chases them, and yet Poe, a cowboy who demands action, is too short-sighted. Poe thinks he's Indiana Jones in space; Holdo knows that "bitches get things done." But often throughout their confrontations, Dern displays a persona that expresses a lifetime of having had to listen to men push their way into battles and risk everything. There's a reason the Rebel Alliance, the Republic, and the Resistance are led by women like Mon Mothma, Holdo, and General Leia Organa.

The villains are all much more enthralling to watch this time around. If you were disappointed in the wasted opportunity in how little screen time Gwendolyn Christie got last time, well, you'll still be disappointed by her short time in this film, but not by what she does with it. Driver plays Kylo Ren as a sociopath, and yet like most sociopaths, he contains at least a tiny of drop of qualities that make him at least somewhat sympathetic. In this case it's his very apparent behavior, temper, and anger issues, and the fact that he's bullied by his teacher and leader Snoke doesn't help. (In the reverse, teachers disappointing their students is a common theme throughout.) Gleeson as General Hux double-hams it up with that ridiculously fake accent, which you'll either love or hate. Benicio Del Toro also joins the cast, and he looks like he's having as good a time as he did when he was in The Usual Suspects and Guardians of the Galaxy, though it's so similar to those performances that it might disappoint you. The addition of Kelly Marie Tran as Rose Tico helps make The Last Jedi feel like it's the most diverse Star Wars movie ever; even the First Order is more diverse. Tran, the daughter of refugee migrants from Vietnam, plays Rose as a tough fighter in the Resistance. The death of her sister only gives her further motivation to take them down.

Mark Hamill, returning as Luke Skywalker, his most famous character, is actually kind of funny here, as Harrison Ford's Han Solo was before him in The Force Awakens. But be warned, apparently fans are angry that there are a few laughs in this film. (People who do not like The Last Jedi do not like laughing.) And then there's Carrie Fisher. Her character, Leia, the princess who became a warrior, is war weary; she remembers how many they've lost, and that was basically how we felt upon learning that she was the latest celebrity in 2016 to pass away (and only a day before her mother, Debbie Reynolds, also died). What else can be written about the acting legend that hasn't already? In her long career, her final performance is one of her truly best, and it is awfully unfortunate that the world will not get one more performance by her as Leia, for Lucasfilm had planned on her having a larger role in the final part of the trilogy.

As a director, Johnson is amazingly talented at shooting fight scenes. The other well-known features in which he helms (Brick, Looper, and several episodes of Breaking Bad) do not have this kind of staccato action; indeed, these scenes here are filmed in a way different from those directed by George Lucas, J.J. Abrams, and others. In fact, the entire pacing of this movie is different. Whereas The Force Awakens started off quite strongly, it fizzled out as it got closer and closer to the end (a common problem in movies directed by Abrams). Here, there's a big bang in the beginning, but other than a far-fetched and dull sequence involving a casino, this movie never lets our interest wane. With few exceptions, The Last Jedi gets better with each passing minute. When The Last Jedi starts, it is evident that it will probably be a better ride than The Force Awakens, but half-way through it is more than obvious it will.

As a writer, Johnson is pretty good, too, and there are two or three scenes in The Last Jedi he and his team came up with that ideally would be worth writing about, but it's virtually impossible to do so without spoiling them. Spoil I shall not. At first, I thought I could simply use a noun to get the idea across, but even that would be revealing too much. Perhaps an adjective could be used instead, and the one used would simply be: wonderful. Still, another adjective that could be used for another scene would be "ridiculous"; it comes early in the film and involves floating (or flying, or something like that). It's stupidly written and while containing a certain meta quality, looks goofy. Additionally, Johnson includes a few shout-outs to the original three films, and many of these are unnecessary, but it doesn't seem as if the film is oozing with nostalgia like The Force Awakens did. Finally, to address one of the largest concerns fans had going into this movie, let me say that if you like the porgs, these adorable owl-penguin hybrids won't disappoint you. If you hate them, rest assured they're hardly in it.

Sure, this film is not without its problems. Isaac and Gleeson starred in a sci-fi movie two years ago called Ex Machina, and yet that old-fashioned devise is employed so liberally here that it feels like it would be a better title than The Last Jedi. This is the longest Star Wars movie, and while for the most part it doesn't seem too long, there are scenes that could have been scrapped (mainly the casino part). Needless to say, I feel happy after watching this movie that Johnson will write and direct a new Star Wars trilogy that apparently won't have anything to do with the previous movies Lucasfilm has made. Fans will run out of patience with this franchise eventually. Star Wars is not Marvel; it cannot last forever. But for the time being, after the immense success of The Force Awakens, Rogue One, and The Last Jedi, why stop now?

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Jackie Brown

“AK-47, the very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every mother fucker in the room, except no substitutes.”

Jackie Brown was the third film Quentin Tarantino directed, serving as an interesting, albeit less memorable, conclusion to his 1990s quasi-trilogy that included Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction. Unlike his other movies, this is an adapted work from the novel Rum Punch by Elmer Leonard, and like his films before and after, he assembled a terrific cast, one of the finest of the 90s: Pam Grier, Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Forster, Bridget Fonda, Michael Keaton, and Robert De Niro, an ensemble weaker directors would either not think of or would mishandle.

The McGuffin of the film is half a million dollars being smuggled into the country from Mexico by a flight attendant named Jackie Brown (played by Pam Grier) for an arms dealer played by Jackson. Jackie gets caught at the airport by an ATF officer named Ray Nicollete (Michael Keaton), who teams with a local cop played by Michael Bowen. Nicolette wants to take down Ordell, and he plans to use Jackie to achieve those aims. For his part, Ordell can be cautious to the point where he believes Jackie needs to be warned, but Jackie puts up a fight. She plans on playing both Ray and Ordell, with an eye on the money herself.

Ordell sort of leads an unlikely trio – he's joined by his bank robbing accomplice Lois (De Niro) and Ordell's beach bunny girlfriend (Fonda), who fancies Lois. (The characters Ordell and Lois also appear in the 2014 Leonard adaptation Life of Crime. Additionally, Miramax agreed to waive the fee for allowing Keaton to reprise his role in a cameo in Sony's adaptation of Leonard's Out of Sight in 1998.)

While it may be the least appreciated Tarantino-directed film, it is not devoid of problems, chief among them an aspect that also appeared in The Hateful Eight and to a lesser degree Reservoir Dogs: violence against women that, it seems, is meant to be humerous. Mix in a lot of N-word dropping, and it of course constitutes a normally controversial film directed by Tarantino. 

But love him or hate him, the evidence suggests he's an actor's director. Many of these stars, particularly Grier, Fonda, and Forster, delivered some of their very best work. Forster in particular delivers one of the most natural performances captured on film. Fonda hits ever note perfectly, and Grier was, simply put, robbed of an Oscar nomination.

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Thor: Ragnarok

We come from the land of the ice and snow
From the midnight sun, where the hot springs flow
The hammer of the gods 
We'll drive our ships to new lands
To fight the horde, and sing and cry
Valhalla, I am coming!

I admit to being disapponited by this year's comic book films. (And yeah, I get that most viewers probably disagree with me.) I felt mostly let down by Wonder Woman, was bored by Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, thought Spider-Man: Homecoming was slightly more bad than good, and liked but didn't love Logan. But at last, I have found a delightful comic book film from an unlikely director I have admired for some time, and it's the most fun I've had at the cinema all year.

Marvel is a franchise that occasionally is too full of itself, especially with movies like last year's Captain America: Civil War. The Marvel movies that were far better--the first Guardians movie, Ant-Man, the first Captain America film--were all superior to the convoluted litter that is some of their other motion pictures. That's not the case with Thor: Ragnarak, the third Thor film. This movie does complexity just as well as it does simplicity. Most importantly, it's funny, and how could it not be with the immensely talented Taika Waititi at the helm?

Our hero (Chris Hemsworth) is a bit tied up when we meet him again. He is the prisoner of the demonic Surtur (voiced by Clancy Brown), who is doing his best to frighten the god of thunder with a prophecy of destroying Thor's home of Asgard. The trouble is that Thor keeps spinning around slowly in his chains, forcing Surtur to pause from time to time, and so we're off to an amusing start. By now, Hemsworth has demonostrated several times just how comical he can be on screen, but this is the first time as his most famous character that he gets a chance to demonstrate that talent. Thor of course manages to escape, fight off Surtur, and return to his home, where his brother, Loki, has temporarily taken over from their father. This, however, is not what drivers the film. Instead, the movie is divided into two plots.

Thor and Loki meet their sister, Hela (Cate Blahowever), who has returned from whatever hell she was in and is taking things over. Her brothers are no match for her; they cannot defend their home from their sister, and eventually they get stuck in the domain of the Grandmaster, played by Jeff Goldblum. The Grandmaster (who apparently is the brother of the Collector, Beneicio Del Toro's character in Guardians of the Galaxy) is the host of epic gladiator games, and whether Thor likes it or not, he's a contender. Making matters worse is that his main opponent is none other than the Incredible Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), a "friend from work".

In addition to those already mentioned, Tessa Thompson delivers one of her very best performances as Valkyrie, the Asgardian bounty hunter who sometimes is a little too intoxicated to capture Thor. She's tough as nails, but maybe even she is no match for Hela, who decimated her fellow warriors. Blanchett has two Oscars and has appeared in gigantic films like The Lord of the Rings franchise, and yet this is one of her very best pieces of work. She has played villains before, but she has never looked like she was having this much fun.

Familiar alumni are here as well: Anthony Hopkins is back as Thor's father (he, too, gets a few moments of humor), as is Idris Elba as Heimdall, leading a quiet revolution against Hela. My favorite addition was possibly Karl Urban as a gun-loving Asgardian warrior (though there's an awkward joke in there about Texas and guns). There are a handful of other delightful cameos, and I won't reveal them, except to say that the standard Stan Lee cameo is as enjoyable as it has ever been. Also appearing are Tadanobu Asano and Rachel House. And then of course there's Jeff Goldblum. There has been a lot of love for this icon as of late, and who can blame us? Goldblum by this point basically realizes that he is the new Christopher Walken, and he does not disappoint. Buzzfeed has declared him the internet's boyfriend, and one of the best tweets I've seen recently about him was that Jeff Goldblum as himself is the best part about Thor: Ragnarok. NPR's Linda Holmes had the brilliant observation that Goldblum in this movie is essentially a hybrid of Jabba the Hutt and Jean-Ralphio. I would add that he's not as creepy as Jabba and not as unfunny or annoying as Jean-Ralphio.

Thor: Ragnarok is not simply one of Marvel's funniest films (the most whimsical since the first Guardians of the Galaxy), but it is arguably Marvel's best looking movie ever. It's ILM visuals--led by Chad Wiebe--make it look more like last year's Dr. Strange than the utter mess that were The Avengers films. Its costume design by Mayes C. Rubeo is worthy of an Oscar nomination; particularly incredible is that of Hela's intense crown of antlers.

Waititi, who also appears as Korg, a pleasant gladiator made up of rocks who provides lots of the film's humor, deserves much of the praise for Thor: Ragnarok. I try to avoid auteur-theory rhetoric of awarding all of the success or failure of a film solely with the director, but this movie has Waititi written all of over it. If you had pleasant experiences viewing his other movies, than Thor: Ragnarak will be no different. Waititi's use of the Led Zepplin's "The Immigrant Song" is a delicious addition, augmenting the adrenaline of the action scenes (and it apparently works just as well when used in Star Wars). Like other really enjoyable films directed by Waititi (Boy, What We Do in the Shadows, and Hunt for the Wilderpeople), this is a movie that will stay with you and is well worth the price of admission.

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Star Wars Nostalgia

Star Wars percolates with nostalgia. In fact, the only essential problem with some of the most recent Star Wars films is that they are too nostalgic.

The original definition of nostalgia was as a form of melancholy. Indeed, the word itself is comprised from the Greek roots of “homecoming” and “pain.” Considering the mythological tropes Star Wars has employed, this is worthy of our understanding.

Fortunately, for Star Wars fans, nostalgic items lean more towards homecoming than pain, and luckily there are a plethora of books, games, toys, and other items for every Star Wars fan out there to think back on good times.

Though some of the following list aren't exactly equivalent to Orson Welles' Rosebud, they are, I think, treasure none the less (and some are quite expensive). As we patiently await the December release of the newest Star Wars flick from Lucasfilm, take a moment to think back on some of these items. Below are some nostalgia items for any Star Wars fan out there:

Kenner's Toy Millenium Falcon (1978)

Fans of Netflix's Stranger Things, a show seeped in 80s nostalgia, saw the character Eleven telepathically playing with one of these toys from Kenner, which has sold hundreds of millions of Star Wars toys since 1977.

The many Generation X Star Wars fans out there most likely saw this 53-centimeter toy as youngsters, and there's probably a high number of them who played with it. The commercial alone is likely to take fans back to their childhood. “Nice landing, Han Solo!” one of the kids shouts. “Come on, Chewbacca,” the other replies. “Stormtroopers are coming!”

Toys like these could be worth loads of money these days.

Princess Leia Action Figure (1984)

Also from Kenner, this action figure features Leia dressed in her Endor forest outfit, complete with a removable helmet, poncho, and blaster. The action figure was re-released along with many others in the late 1990s as the Special Edition films were being released in cinemas.

Star Wars only recently embraced the idea that female characters can be just as tough, if not tougher, than the boys. Case in point being characters in The Force Awakens: Daisy Ridley as the the lead, a lady Stormtrooper commander, and Carrie Fisher's Leia changing from a princess to a general were all featured. Leia in the original films ranged from a damsel in distress to a slave in a medal bikini, so she isn't exactly (at least through modern lens) a feminist icon. But in Return of the Jedi from 1983, she was a character of grit and leadership. This action figure embodies that. 

Vlix Toy (1988)

Are you a fan of getting a whopping $6,000? Are you one of the few people on the planet who have an unopened Vlix toy? Then you're in luck. Vlix was a character who appeared in the animated series Droids. This toy is considered to be the Holy Grail of Star Wars memorabilia because so there are very few of them around these days.

Full disclosure: I've never seen the animated series Droids or Ewoks, though I have seen (and don't recommend) the two made-for-TV Ewoks specials. I therefore can't really comment much more on who Vlix is or how special this toy is meant to be. And since it didn't go far from Brazil (the only country that released the toy), it might be challenging to truly classify this as a piece of “nostalgia.”

That being said, for die-hard fans of the series (and especially the rich ones who have a bit of Indiana Jones in their DNA), tracking down this item might well be worth the time and dime.

Heir to the Empire Novel (1991)

There have been dozens of Star Wars novels since the novelization of the original film all the way back in 1977, but none are as terrific as Timothy Zahn's Heir to the Empire, the first of his trilogy.

Taking place only a few years after the original trilogy concluded, this series reunites our characters in a fight against the diminishing Galactic Empire, taken control by the malevolent and blue-skinned Grand Admiral Thrawn, who teams up with a Dark Jedi named Joruus Cbaoth to try and resurrect the Empire.

The novel became a best seller and can be recommended for fans of most ages. 

As a side note, the 1978 novel Splinter in the Mind's Eye was written by Alan Dean Foster and commissioned by Lucas to serve partly as a framework for a small-budget sequel if the first film wasn't a hit. The Los Angeles Times has called this book the most influential of the Expanded Universe. 

Shadows of the Empire Soundtrack (1996)

In 1996, Lucasfilm, in anticipation for the release of the Special Edition the following year and then the start of George Lucas' prequel trilogy, released a multimedia project titled Shadows of the Empire, a tale of Luke Skywalker et al tracking down the carbonite casing of Han Solo in between The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.

The project involved a novel by Steve Perry, comics by John Wagner, a Nintendo 64 and computer game, and a group of new toys. But the element of the project that was the most impressive was the score written by Joel McNeely to be used for the audio book and games.

An epic and old-fashioned juxtaposition of intense choral arrangements and even a waltz (a first and only for the franchise), McNeely did a phenomenal job of channeling Star Wars composer John Williams without copying him. This music might be the best piece of Star Wars that most fans have never heard of.

Knights of the Old Republic Game (2003)

Released by LucasArts, the now defunct media publisher of Lucasfilm, Knights of the Old Republic, the role-playing video game for Xbox, is still regarded as one of the greatest video games of all time. As a matter of fact, it ranked in the top 100 according to Time a few years ago.

Taking place several thousand years before the formation of the Galactic Empire, characters can even make decisions that will align them with the Dark Side or the Light Side of the Force. The game was followed by several sequels and won a host of awards.

Fortunately for us all, there are more Star Wars films in the making, and who knows how many more games, books, toys, etc. What will the nostalgia items of the future be? The Chewbacca mask made famous by a laughing mom in her car? The Death Star Christmas tree light? Little BB-8s?

Time will surely tell, but the Force is surely strong with many of them.

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Drag Me to Hell

A child being chased by a demon is a rather morbid way to start a rather morbid movie. Keep in mind this movie is also a comedy. It's not one that will likely make you laugh out loud, but its blend of horror and humor will remind you that before he was with Spider-Man, director Sam Raimi made the Evil Dead trilogy. Is his 2009 movie Drag Me to Hell funny? Kinda sorta. Scary? Often. Enjoyable? Most of the time.

Horror might be the only genre I can think of where filmmakers have understood that women in the lead role creates as good results as those led by men, if not better. (In case none are coming to mind, think The Exorcist, Alien, Rosemary's Baby, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, The Babadook, etc.) Alison Lohman is the lead here, and she's incredible. It's a unique challenge for her, because on the one hand we are meant to applaud her and root for her, and on the other we are supposed to think that as the banker who denied an older woman an extension on her loan, she is somewhat at fault for her tribulations. Lohman plays Christine, a young woman with a good job at a bank and in a serious relationship with a young professor (Justin Long). Christine is so determined to get the promotion as assistant manager at the bank that she practices diction on her way to work. Alarmed that she might be pushed aside in favor of her male colleague (Reggie Lee), she's willing to make "tough" decisions to impress her boss. That means refusing to extend mortgage loans for the elderly. Big mistake.

The older woman (Lorna Raver) even begs for the extension, then attacks when it is denied. But soon, she warns, it will be Christine who comes to her begging for help. She places a curse on her. While Christine's boyfriend may be skeptical at first, Christine know almost from the beginning that something is wrong. She seeks out the guidance of a psychic (Dileep Rao) who might be able to make sense to her the paranormal things happening; indeed, he tells her that a curse has been placed. After three days, she is told, a demon will finally come to drag her to hell. She cannot defeat this devil by herself, so she and the psychic seek the help of another psychic (Adrianna Barraza) who has some experience in this domain.

There are three types of frights in this film. The first is the hackneyed, overused device in which something something abruptly jumps out at us. It's not impressive because it's utilized in virtually every other Hollywood horror film, whether you want it to or not. The second is much scarier. Something moves slowly across the screen. The audience sees what the protagonist sees, and then it's there: some ominous, nefarious presence. We know it's there, and we get a sense of what it wants. It doesn't jump out just yet, it's simply there. This comes right after the first type, and so our adrenaline is already rushing. The third kind is the simple ambiance of the film, the sense of fear of demons and that sort of thing. I went to a Catholic school in the first grade where my teacher told me that the devil drags you down to hell by your hair if you are bad, so you could say this film kind of spoke to me.

Beyond that, there is a surplus of gross horror here. Lohnman is subjected to all sorts of disgusting things that I hope she was compensated handsomely for. If bugs, phlegm, and vomit are not really your thing, consider skipping this film. I've heard that actors in horror films often find the filming fun, that it's in post-production where things get scary. I still can't imagine how Lohman would be able to sleep without the lights on after having vomit leak out onto her on a set during the filming. Despite some tired clichés about Eastern mysticism and all that, this is a mostly enjoyable horror film. It's not as disturbing as the similar-themed Paranormal Activity from the same year, so that could be either a plus or minus, depending on your perspective. Enjoy it, and don't piss off the elderly afterwards.  

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Wonder Woman

In the new superhero movie Wonder Woman, we are presented with perhaps the most interesting and thrilling character of the year. A woman who is tough, kind, compassionate. She's a warrior and yet also a passifist. It's just too bad that the movie she is in is subpar.

In Wonder Woman, the story is bland and the performances are a mixed bag. The title character is also known as Diana, an Amazonian princess on an island of only females. World War I reaches their shores, as an American spy named Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) crashes there and seeks their help. While the queen wants nothing to do with mankind's wars, Diana is convinced that this battle can truly end all wars. She disobeys, and runs away with Steve to end the war. The terrible convenience of a just war is that it's only in retrospect, it seems, when it becomes evident whether or not it truly was just. World War I was meant to be the "war to end all wars," and yet it of course led to another world war, as well as (indirectly) the wars in Vietnam and Iraq. Diana arguably goes through a similar realization.

The performances might be a mixed bag, but they work best when humor is involved. Pine is as charming here as he is when he's Captain Kirk or when he's singing in Into the Woods. Said Taghmaoui as Sameer and Lucy Davis as Steve's humorous secretary provide satisfactory comic relief. Even Danny Huston as the villain and Elena Anaya (whom audiences might recognize in a somewhat similar performance in The Skin I Live In) as his poison doctor engage in a bit of morbid humor. Ludendorff poisons a group of exhausted German generals ready to give up the fight, and then he throws them a mask. "That mask won't help them!" Dr. Poison yells. He responds: "But they don't know that!" Then they let out a mischievous laugh. Connie Nielsen and Robin Wright, as Diana's mother and aunt, respectively, deliver dismal, humorless performances, with Wright's being possibly the worst of her career. (Both struggle to deliver those egregious lines in whatever accent they're aiming for.)

But the title role is played by Gal Gadot, and her performance is the only truly wonderful thing about this movie. She portrays Diana as perfectly complex. Feminists who have been praising the film might be a bit concerned about how Diana appears frequently wearing next to nothing in the same fetishistic outfit and whip (not to mention all the bondage imagery) that she had in the comics. (A biographical film about Wonder Woman creator William Moulton Marston and his relationship with his wife, Elizabeth Holloway Marston, and his mistress, Olive Byrne, both of whom lived with him simultaneously, is due out later this year.) Still, it is refreshing to have a female character tougher than all the boys, and it's long overdue. In addition to the fact that young girls are being provided with a tremendous character to look up, young bisexual people can also look up to her as a hero; for too long, young bi people have had only cruel stereotypes of them in media. While Diana's bisexuality is not portrayed here, the character has been officially confirmed as being bisexual. (Catwoman has also been confirmed as being bisexual.) It's essential that the sequel confirms this.

Wonder Woman is not as boring as Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice or as stupid as Suicide Squad, but it is disappointing in its own right. I'd say it's time for DC Comics to throw the towel in, especially when one views any trailer for the upcoming Justice League movie. Some, like Matthew Jacobs at the Huffington Post (typically), are speculating that it might win Best Picture. I sincerely hope it does not.

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Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father

Charismatic, completely selfless, laid-back, so intelligent. This is how many describe a young man named Andrew Bagby. With surgical precision in its massive use of editing, we're introduced to Andrew through these interviews and archival footage, like movies he made with his friends when he was a kid. Andrew loved appearing in the films of his buddy Kurt Kuenne, the director of Dear Zachary, when they were young. They even got Andrew's parents to act in them. As Andrew was saving for medical school, he still donated $2,000 to help fund Kurt's first movie. One can understand how monumental of a person he was.

It becomes fairly evident that Bagby was killed. "Why did Andrew get killed?" a young boy asks. Surely, we will find out.

This movie is part biography, part crime story. The life, times, and murder of Andrew Bagby. Some archival clips of Andrew and interviews with colleagues and friends at time seem superfluous. There are anecdotes of him biting his nails and always wearing shorts. As a narrator, Kuenne consciously or not gets this, because he literally stops showing the interviews. "You gotta know what happened," he says. "The whole truth." Someone hurt him, the young boy is told. A very bad person.

Her name: Shirley Turner, a former classmate of Andrew's in medical school in Canada. Something wasn't right with Shirley, many observed. She had finished her residency but was not practicing. She had three different children who had three different fathers. And she made inappropriate remarks about her intimacy with Andrew to his ex-fiance. When he moved back to the U.S. to become a family medicine practitioner, she followed. She acted, as one interviewee explained, possessive. After his murder, she became the primary suspect in the murder. In the footage we see, Shirley does not necessarily come across as callous, but something is certainly off.

If how an audience is to emotionally react is often based on the guidance of people (and, equally, to music), then those roles are primarily given to Andrew's parents, the two who appear on screen the most. They cry, they swear. They provide examples of incident after incident of negligence in lawyers and judges in the criminal system in Newfoundland. A significant portion is devoted to how "the system" failed. The law is slow (part of the slow pace is due to a disagreement on the English and French translation of the law), and they are helpless. Allegedly, one of the judges gave Shirley advice on how to write her own appeal; another judge allowed her back onto the streets after giving her praise for being a person who is "quite capable" because she is a doctor, but only after Shirley promises to behave herself (white privilege anyone?). The official reason the judge gives is that Shirley was accused of killing one person, and that did not represent the public at large.

By now the audience has been told that Shirley gave birth to a young boy named Zachary, who was given back to Shirley after she was released. And many times, the Bagleys had to spend a considerable amount of time with Shirley in order to spend time with Zachary. Going to the movies, swimming lessons, and they never brought up the trial. To be in the same room with the person you're convinced is the killer of your son while you're trying to play with your grandchild, the son of that accused murder, would require nerves of Herculean level. At any rate, much of their testimony of those experiences will likely send chills down your spine.

Kurt's documentary about his friend and what happened to him took on new meaning several times. It was not simply going to be a memorial film for a young son about his father, but a documentary about a horrifying crime, similar to HBO's The Jinx or Netlifx's Making a Murderer. If you've seen either of those miniseries, you know that the content can be rather disturbing at times. That certainly is the case with Dear Zachary, released about eight years before both of those series. When this movie reaches the pinnacle of disturbance, it features the type of sound effects and editing used primarily in horror films, with a clear reason.

I found the film basically as entertaining as the other two I mentioned and perhaps a little more. They are certainly of the same type of documentary. This one, however, is much more disturbing.

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Yellow Submarine (And a Special Top-100 List)

yellow submarine

1. a kiddie song by the Beatles. Ever heard of them?

2. a cool animated cult classic movie based on the hit Beatles song. It's a funky mind-expanding trip. Show this at your party for a wild psychedelic ride.

3. a marijuana joint. A reefer.

Every color imaginable is present in this animated film, one truly unlike any other. This is Yellow Submarine, the 1968 movie based on the Beatles' 1966 song featured on their album Revolver, and it's how many children are introduced to the Fab Four. Aside from how much joy children take from watching animation, maybe this was the compromise made back in the day by strict parents, many of whom had strong opinions about these four blasphemous musicians all those years ago. "Let the kids listen to 'Why Don't We Do It in the Road,' or let them watch a cartoon?" The Beatles' drug use during this period has been well documented, and while as far as I can tell this isn't really a "drug movie," per se, one cannot help but notice how trippy it is. And if a "yellow submarine" is indeed slang for a marijuana joint, then that's good enough for me. Drugs or not, it's all good fun.

The introductory scene of the movie is a happy one, in a land beneath the sea where it lay ("or lie, I'm not too sure," the narrator tells us). Here, in Pepperland, men, women, and children dance to wonderful orchestral music by Beatles producer George Martin. But not every creature in this universe likes music. There are blue fiends (called Meanies) who so hate music that they attack the inhabitants of Pepperland by destroying all music and dropping apples on everyone's heads, rendering them stuck in stone. Most horrifying of all, probably, is the giant flying glove that the vicious Chief Blue Meanie (voiced by Paul Angelis, who also voices Ringo and George) takes particular delight in seeing destroy the village. This glove, with its blue hue, menacing eyes, and thirst for carnage, rivals the horror of the giant whale in Pinocchio.

However, there is one inhabitant who manages to avoid the green apples and run away from the giant glove. This is Old Fred (voiced by Lance Percival, who also voiced Paul and Ringo in the cartoon show The Beatles), and Chief Blue Meanie's fury at his escape is only matched by his maniacal laugh at the thought of destroying him. Old Fred hops in a yellow submarine and escapes. From here, the story gets a bit muddled. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band has been criticized for supposedly being the first concept album and yet not really following any concept. Yellow Submarine, as a film, sometimes suffers from the same problem. There's a ten-minute burst of energy and then the yellow submarine escapes to London (I think), and the next song is "Eleanor Rigby," the one about all the lonely people. Why? No reason.

Here in London (I think), Old Fred escapes and finds Ringo, who sulks that "nothing ever happens" to him. A yellow submarine bumping into him surely is something, though. Here, the movie embraces its meta moments. "Won't you please, please help me?" Old Fred begs. "Be specific," Ringo replies, almost sardonically. We meet the other three, none of whom, disappointingly, are voiced by the Beatles. This is probably the biggest fault I found with the film, but when you're the world's biggest rock and pop group (and you're relatively close to breaking up), there's only so much time.

A word on George and Ringo. The two, who probably remained the closest of the four after the not-so-amicable split, were being interviewed in the late 80s around the time of George's exceptional album Cloud Nine, which features Ringo, was released. The interviewer asked the two if there were groups or types of people that were attracted to each of the four. According to Ringo, he got the mothers and the children; Paul got the tweenies; John got the academic, intellectual types; and George got the mystics. Conan O'Brien once asked Ringo why children love him so much. His answer was succinct and immediate: "I'm lovable." As for the mystics, that rings true in this film, as George's first appearance is a mysterious one and of course features the sitar. (For the record, there's nothing "intellectual" about John's appearance here, though like the animated Beatles TV series but not in real life, he's sort of the de facto leader, and there's nothing in Yellow Submarine that really would suggest tweenies being glued to Paul.)

The interior of the submarine is remarkably elaborate and just as unrealistic and fantastical as anything in Pepperland. Gadgets and gizmos abound. One way or another, though, they're on their way, as we get to see gorgeous fish and hear the four sing "All Together Now." There are a number of their greatest hits included in the film, chiefly "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds," "Nowhere Man," "All You Need Is Love," "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," and "When I'm 64," which are mixed with songs heard for the first time like "Hey Bulldog," "It's All Too Much," and "All Together Now," all of which are a joy to hear. "Only a Northern Song," a Harrison creation, features the most innovative animation, though the song itself is one of the more forgettable. Amidst all this, the characters in their submarine see another ship just like theirs, right before they suddenly turn old, white hair spreading furiously without warning. Just when things can't get any trippier, a furry, fluffy, Jar Jar Binks-esque character shows up named Jeremy Hillary Boob, a rhyming physicist, biologist, and dentist, among other things. "A boob for all seasons," George says.

Suffice it to say, this is probably the closest I will ever know what it's like dropping acid.

This movie may not have as long-lasting a legacy as the Beatles' music itself, but that's mainly a comment on how high the bar is in relation to their music. Yellow Submarine is largely credited with helping to make animation be perceived as a serious art form. Beyond that, there are obvious influences as far as Terry Gilliam's work with Monty Python and the French animated film Fantastic Planet. And there's little doubt that most children, even these days, would be mesmerized by the animation, especially during sequences like "Nowhere Man" or the dizzy Sea of Holes, a scene unlike anything ever produced in pictures. Some adults, though, might be overwhelmed or possibly disinterested (or might suffer from a headache). Still, what a wonderful way to introduce young children to the Beatles, especially the last few moments of the movie.




In honor of the upcoming Ringo Starr album, here is a list of the Beatles' best songs in their post-Beatles careers. (For my list of the greatest Beatles songs, click here.)

100. King of Broken Hearts (Ringo)
99. Marwa Blues (George)
98. Junior's Farm (Paul)
97. Cleanup Time (John)
96. The No No Song (Ringo)
95. We're On the Road Again (Ringo)
94. Weight of the World (Ringo)
93. Oh My My (Ringo)
92. Whatever Gets You Thru the Night (John)
91. Apple Scruffs (George)
90. Hi, Hi, Hi (Paul)
89. Helen Wheels (Paul)
88. Deliver Your Children (Paul)
87. Shanghai Surprise (George)
86. Sue Me, Sue You Blues (George)
85. Beaucoups of Blue (Ringo)
84. (It's All Da Da Down To) Goodnight Vienna (Ringo)
83. Dream Away (George)
82. Woman (John)
81. The Back Seat of My Car (Paul)
80. Sunshine Life for Me (Ringo)
79. Wanderlust (Paul)
78. Easy For Me (Ringo)
77. I'd Have You Anytime (George)
76. That's What It Takes (George)
75. Mrs. Vanderbilt (Paul)
74. When We Was Fab (George)
73. No More Lonely Nights (Paul)
72. Got My Mind Set On Your (George)
71. Working Class Hero (John)
70. Bangladesh (George)
69. Coming Up (Paul)
68. Listen To What the Man Said (Paul)
67. Jet (Paul)
66. That's the Way It Goes (George)
65. You (George)
64. End of the Line (George)
63. Every Night (Paul)
62. Who Can See It (George)
61. Try Some Buy Some (George)
60. Beautiful Night (Paul)
59. Stand by Me (John)
58. Back Off Boogaloo (Ringo)
57. Let Em In (Paul)
56. Living in the Material World (George)
55. Early 1970 (Ringo)
54. Oh Woman Oh Why (Paul)
53. Hold On (John)
52. Smile Away (Paul)
51. With a Little Luck (Paul)
50. Cloud Nine (George)
49. Beware of Darkness (George)
48. All Those Years Ago (George)
47. Eat at Home (Paul)
46. How? (John)
45. Let Me Roll It (Paul)
44. Nineteen Hundred and Eighty-Five (Paul)
43. Ballad of Sir Frankie Crisp (Let It Roll) (George)
42. Monkberry Moon Delight (Paul)
41. The Devil's Radio (George)
40. Ding Dong Ding Dong (George)
39. Mull of Kintyre (Paul)
38. Instant Karma (John)
37. Crippled Inside (John)
36. Walk With You (Ringo)
35. My Valentine (Paul)
34. Oh My Love (John)
33. Love (John)
32. Only You (And You Alone) (Ringo)
31. Live and Let Die (Paul)
30. All Things Must Pass (George)
29. If Not For You (George)
28. Behind That Locked Door (George)
27. I'm the Greatest (Ringo)
26. Handle With Care (George)
25. I Dig Love (George)
24. (Just Like) Starting Over (John)
23. Mother (John)
22. Too Many People (Paul)
21. #9 Dream (John)
20. Cheer Down (George)
19. Awaiting On You All (George)
18. You're Sixteen (Ringo)
17. Give Me Love (Give Me Peace) (George)
16. Watching the Wheels Go Round (John)
15. Jealous Guy (John)
14. Mind Games (John)
13. Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey (Paul)
12. Beautiful Boy (John)
11. Band On the Run (Paul)
10. Maybe I'm Amazed (Paul)
9. Isn't It a Pity (George)
8. It Don't Come Easy (Ringo)
7. Give Peace a Chance (John)
6. Wah-Wah (George)
5. Photograph (Ringo)
4. What Is Life (George)
3. Happy X-Mas (War Is Over) (John)
2. My Sweet Lord (George)
1. Imagine (John)

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Alien: Covenant

"The house of Israel and the house of Judah have broken my covenant that I made with their forefathers. Therefore, this is what Jehovah says, 'Here I am bringing on them a calamity that they will not be able to escape. When they call for help, I will not listen to them."

Alien: Covenant, the sixth (or eighth if you include the Alien vs. Predator movies) in this multi-decade science fiction/horror franchise, is a step in the right direction but one that sparks a debate as to whether or not director Ridley Scott and his team should continue making these movies. Scott, whose second film was Alien, a legendary science fiction film, returns here again as director. He left the series after directing the first one in 1979, allowing James Cameron to take over with Aliens in 1986. Others followed, far less successfully than Scott and Cameron. The series was rebooted, sort of, in 2012 with Prometheus with Scott returning as director. Scott and his writers put a cast of characters in the same universe as the malicious xenomorph aliens, but those creatures basically did not appear. Instead, we got a series of enigmas and interesting theories on the genesis of humans. Alien: Covenant is part Alien, part Prometheus, and while we get the familiar structure of scientists being picked off one by one, we also get, for better or worse, a further exploration of those large themes.

If you didn't watch the short prologue, you should. It will be a basic reminder of what happened in the previous film. In case you missed it, a quick reminder: The survivors of the Prometheus in 2093 (Dr. Elizabeth Shaw, played by Noomi Rapace, and the android David, played by Michael Fassbender) decide to go find the "engineers", the mysterious alien species that may have created humans (and incidentally tried to kill them).

More than ten years later, a crew of colonists aboard a ship called the Covenant is on a journey towards a new home planet far away from Earth. The ship is anchored by a newer android type named Walter (also played by Fassbender). Walter has a number of improvements from David, the most obvious being that he thinks less for himself. This is beneficial for a variety of reasons explained in the film. But the crew are awakened by a deadly neutrino burst. Picking up the pieces, they discover a distress signal not far off their path. Their captain (Billy Crudup) decides to lead the crew there (for some reason). The planet they find is so Earth-like that they apparently don't need helmets (more astronaut stupidity), and they explore an eerily quiet land. Ghoulish Pompeii-like casts of some kind of being are everywhere, as is danger, and it's all downhill from there.

Many seem annoyed that Scott has chosen the Alien franchise to explore these large concepts. I don't mind. Half-way through, not long after they land and things start going badly, the film switches fairly suddenly from an Alien movie to a Prometheus sequel, and while this probably will irritate most viewers (particularly those who didn't like Prometheus), from there the two are neatly tied together. The themes are there, for sure, and some of them quite obvious. "Covenant" is a religious term regarding the Biblical ark; here, just as the animals before them, the ship carries couples two by two to a new world. Some themes are a little less obvious. For instance, Walter points out that David has made a mistake in his quoting Ozymandias, and that the real author was Percy Shelly, who many believe co-authored Frankenstein with Mary Shelly. And the subtitle of Frankenstein is (wait for it)...The Modern Prometheus. Watch the film, see what kind of power David has and uses and wants to use, consider both Frankenstein and Ozymandias and the themes involved, and have more fun with the allegories.

But if you do want chest (and back) bursting, scenes of gore galore, and fright, Alien: Covenant delivers. It does not possess that prudence and tension employed in the first one, which was a much more contained and limited movie that ended up paying off beautifully. But still, this is a better looking movie than Prometheus, and one that is far less frustrating. The characters, though, are some of the least interesting in the series. The lead, Katherine Waterston, is not given much to do, and the other female actors (namely Carmen Ejogo, Amy Seimetz, and Callie Hernandez) scream a lot and heighten the film's tension, but that's about it. Crudup does provide a somewhat intriguing character as the ship's new captain, who is not truly suited for his unexpected assignment. His leadership skills are questionable, and he's learning on the job. Damian Bichir does a mostly good job as another crew member, but the one who is really remarkable is Danny McBride, who has made a successful career as a funnyman. Here he's all serious and is perhaps the most impressive addition.

And yet the most enjoyable to watch, yet again, is Michael Fassbender, a true treasure of cinema. Whereas Sigourney Weaver was the star of the first four films, here Fassbender is the driver of this part of the franchise. He gets the dual task of playing Walter and David, and of course they come face to face, brother to brother. The flute scene, which starts with David teaching Walter how to play a wooden flute, is remarkably tense and entertaining, dripping with homoerotic hints at incest. (David has one line in particular that is truly eyebrow-raising.) David sees himself as the king of kings, and while I think this franchise (along with many that are overstaying their welcome) is growing a bit dull, I also look forward to seeing if humans deteriorate because of his nefariousness.

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Nobody Did It Better

Roger Moore, who passed away last week, did it better than just about everyone else. In terms of James Bond, his most famous role, he was the only one of the six who understood the farcical, fictitious, facetious nature of the character. Spies, frankly, don't look like James Bond, they don't dress like James Bond, and they don't drive extravagant cars like Bond does. I certainly doubt they introduce themselves like he does, regardless of which order they put their name in.

Thus, Moore's Bond was more humorous than Sean Connery's, certainly more than Timothy Dalton's or Daniel Craig's. It would be hard to image practically any of the others floating around in space like he did in Moonraker in the era of late 1970s sci-fi, or dressed like a clown in Octopussy. But this is what helped set him apart, and this is why to many he was the best. After six seasons of the successful series The Saint, Moore would go on to eventually tie Connery with the most appearances as Bond (a total of seven). They ranged from pretty darn good (The Spy Who Loved Me and For Your Eyes Only) to mediocre or slightly substandard (Moonraker, Octopussy, A View to a Kill), to the bad (Live and Let Die) and awful (The Man With the Golden Gun). They all, for the most part, have a humorous bent, particularly when Moore finally appeared to stop doing a version of Connery's Bond and just come up with a new persona. His was far gentler; his Bond may have been as horny as the others were, but at least he didn't rape a woman (like Connery's Bond did in Goldfinger). Yet for whatever reason, 53 percent of women rated Connery the best.

Was he my favorite? I try to avoid "ranking" the Bonds. They all brought their own unique talents to the role, a role and franchise that unfortunately are growing tiresome. Roger Moore's, though, was probably the first or second that I remember seeing and recognizing as James Bond, and that is one reason why I liked him so much. Despite my inclination to avoid ranking them, as the iconic song from The Spy Who Loved Me goes, perhaps nobody did it better.

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