Many have argued that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, the 1964 sci-fi family film often regarded as one of cinema's worst ever, is one such film that's so bad, it's good. I disagree. It's just bad. I didn't like The Room, but I understand that it's likely because I watched it by myself. What's the fun in that? But even a large, participatory, stoned audience to join me, I can't imagine liking Santa Claus Conquers the Martians anymore than I did. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is basically what you would expect it to be: one of the most bizarre movies you can watch in the public domain (or any domain, for that matter), more 1960s than if an episode of The Monkees and a episode of Batman had a baby that was addicted to dropping acid and wore bell-bottom jeans.
The film opens with a catchy yet awfully annoying song titled "Hurray for Santy Claus!", written by Milton DeLugg, who at one point was the musical director for The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. After the credits and song finish, we're on Mars, where two Martian children in green clothes and green face paint sit fixated on their TV sets. Kimar, the king of the Martians played by Leonard Hicks, notices that all the children of Mars are glued to the TV sets watching "Earth programs," unable to express love and act as children (or at least Earth children; how very speciesist of the film). After seeking the counsel of the wise, 800-year-old sage Chochem (Carl Donn), Kimar becomes convinced that the Martians must journey to Earth and take Santa (played by veteran actor John Call) back to Mars to bring happiness to all the young Martians.
The best-laid plans of green men often go awry, and things quickly do as soon as they take orbit. Comic relief characters like Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) and the villainous, hawkish Voldor (Vincent Beck) often get in Kimar's way, as do two young Earth children named Billy and Betty (Victor Stiles and Donna Conforti). Kimar calmly explains to the kids that they're from Mars and they're looking for Santa, and Billy calmly replies that they can find him at the North Pole. That should be the end of that, until Voldor convinces Kimar that they must take the two of them back with them before they "alert the authorities." Along with Santa, they both are imprisoned and taken to Mars.
As you can tell, it's unlikely that most of those involved took this too seriously (though Beck and Hicks really commit more than they should). However, Paul L. Jacobson, who produced the film and wrote its atrocious script, could have at least tried a little harder. There are odd, topical (at the time) jokes (Santa confuses Blitzen with Nixon, for example) and copious amounts of uncomfortable laughing from literally every character, making everything seem even stranger. Admittedly, it is a bit humorous when the Martians finally reach Earth and see thousands of Santas on the city streets, and they're not sure which one is the real deal. I think that was the only part I liked.
Since sort of being rediscovered for an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 in the early 1990s, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians sometimes appears in movie trivia. For example, the movie marks the film debut of singer and actress Pia Zadora, seventeen years before the Golden Globes controversy in which some allege her millionaire husband at the time essentially bought her win for New Star of the Year Award for the panned erotic crime drama Butterfly (the same role in which she won Worst Actress from the Raspberry Awards). Additionally, believe it or not, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians features the very first on-screen portrayal of Mrs. Claus (played here by Doris Rich), just three weeks before the character appeared in the much more famous and respected animated program Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on NBC. Finally, the film shares some of the same stock footage as Dr. Strangelove, so that's something.
But those interesting bits of trivia cannot save this film. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is the rare movie I watch and just have no idea what I'm watching. It may seem like I'm kicking a movie while it's down, or that perhaps I shouldn't pick on such a movie that had no intention of being taken too seriously, but what I've written is not unfair. Apparently, Jacobson really, truly thought he was on to something here and that he knew how to make a great flick for kids. He did not. It's not clear what people thought of it at the time because there were not many reviews of it when it premiered. One, though, from Howard Thompson of the New York Times, actually more or less praises the film. "Adults may find it square-cut as cheese," he wrote. "But let's face it. From now till you-know-when, the youngsters are all that matter." That may be true, but surely they deserve better than Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
This review originally appeared at the Public Domain Film Review on December 25, 2020.
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